My life changed the week I left my job. Gray, routine, boring, and lack of passion, were the words my girlfriend used to describe my personality and our relationship.
I used to have emotions, then somewhere along the line, my heart turned into stone; I stopped laughing, caring, and smiling. I tried to stop myself from slipping into depression, but it was impossible. I was plagued by the flashbacks of my last week on the job.
My girlfriend told me, if I didn’t get my act together, then she would break up with me. I had been living my life for three months on autopilot. In order to keep the routine, I planned on purchasing an engagement ring for her that week. When my girlfriend told me to get my act together, I decided to take the engagement ring money and use it to go skydiving. The warmhearted me would never go skydiving, the coldhearted me, could careless.
The day I went skydiving started off uneventful and ended up being life changing. As the plane cruised through the royal blue sky, my instructor asked me if I was frightened. I looked at him and just said I am unable to feel fear. My instructor laughed and told me that was what all his students told him prior to the jump. I remember laughing to myself and thinking, he has no idea what my life has been like for the past three months.
My instructor told me I should count to three before jumping; I looked at him, shook my head and just jumped. For the first few seconds all I could see was a blur of blue sky sprinkled with white clouds. I felt something at that moment, the quickened beat of my heart. I did something I had not done in awhile, I laughed. Soaring through the sky was exhilarating and the stone around my heart was cracking. In an instant my euphoric feeling dissipated when my instructor shouted to me that something was wrong. He told me that the trajectory for the landing was off and we were heading straight for the lake. Anything that he told me after that was muted. All I could see was the glistening blue lake morph into a glare of sharp knives. All I could see was my girlfriends smiling face. I felt raindrops on my face, but it was not raining. I felt my heart quickening with fright and panic as the lake drew near.
The only thing I could think of doing was asking my angels to guide and protect my loved ones. I could only hope that I leave this world quickly and pain free. I wished when I transitioned on to the next life, I would have the chance to repay my karma. As my face almost hit the cool blue lake, I felt serene and I felt at peace.
When I opened my eyes it was 4 am and I was drenched in sweat. I could not believe it was just a dream. It was more than a dream, it was a revelation. I had been so cold to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend, that I realized my demons were affecting my relationships. I needed to return to the police force and put that case behind me. I could not let that dream come true, I had to change my life and open my heart. It’s funny, when I woke up at 4 in the morning, I turned to my girlfriend and told her that I loved her and I did not want to be gray, routine, boring, and lack passion. She just mumbled, that she loved me too and for me to go back to sleep.
My name is Lue. A dream of skydiving, emotions, crashing into water, and having a sense of serenity, prompted me to join this grief counseling program for police officers.
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